After lots of hearty requests from my 6 year old daughter, I finally purchased a group of caterpillars. I would have braced myself had I known the trajectory my emotions would take as they underwent their process. The tiny bugs finally arrived and we welcomed them into their new home….my laundry room. A room the whole family would poke into quite frequently over the next few weeks (especially this family member). “How cute,” we thought. They daintily moved around the plastic container; wiggly, bodies shiny and new. Day by day however, their bodies began to grow, and grow and grow as they ate ferociously. Day by day, I watched my emotions rise and fall with their growth which set me on a course for healing. I was at once excited, disgusted, and afraid as they evolved. I was not prepared for how icky they looked as their skin molted time and time again to accommodate their rapid growth. I was not prepared for the once clean and clear plastic food container which held them to become cloudy and grey with caterpillar waste. I certainly was not prepared for these itty bitty teensy weensy butterflies to triple in size and grow lots of whisker type fur. They were no longer “cute” in my eyes. As a matter of fact, this “kind” and “gentle” person wanted those unattractive bugs out of my house.
“Was this really me?” I thought. The answer was yes! It was me. There was a part of me lingering in the darkness who wanted everything to be pretty, buttoned up and tidy all the time. It was the part of me that wanted change to be easy and neat. This part of me was not seeing the truth of change. That is, until those bugs shone the light on me. The caterpillars seemed to have seeped into my consciousness. As I connected with them, they lead me to spaces within me that needed attention. They seemed to, ever so eloquently, mirror my own process; the evolutionary process we all must travel sometimes fast, sometimes slow but forever present. I was also changing along side those caterpillars. I was also shedding my “skin” made up of fear, shame and guilt. I, however did not undergo my changes with the same grace as the caterpillars. I resented my process because although I wanted to grow, I expected growth to be tidy and neat. I didn’t see that sometimes life gets sticky but it doesn’t mean we aren’t growing. During those sticky times our potential for growth can create the biggest transformation. One that sets us on a completely new path in life.
We need to trust the process, as the caterpillars do, without questioning. They follow their inner knowing , keeping in rhythm with the time clock of nature. I needed to align myself with my own rhythms by giving myself permission to allow sadness, unforgiveness and anger come to the surface. To allow myself the time and space for those emotions to be shed from past hurts. I needed to allow time for the dust to settle so that I could finally transform. I needed to release self-judgements and resistance. Once I gave myself permission to be yucky, I surrendered to my own process and the caterpillars settled their outward movement. They crunched up into to their chrysalides and began changing from within. I too stopped muffling around and focused inward. I breathed in gratitude and exhaled many years of repressed anger, sadness, shame, guilt and more. I learned to make peace with the process and Trust in Creation. Those little cater”pillars”gave me courage, gave me strength and changed me forever. Let us all learn from the caterpillars and unharness our potential for change with Grace!
Many Happy Blessings, Marilena